I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
