The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
