Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
