you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize