mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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