He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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