I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
