just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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