I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
