so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
