im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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