I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
