So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
