bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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