dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I am available for nakedness
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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