i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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