I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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