I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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