Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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