i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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