saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
