i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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