Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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