i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
