everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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