I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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