You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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