I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
