wake up i wanna do it froggy style
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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