it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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