You really coming over, don't trick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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