I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
