I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
