nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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