just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
