i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
