he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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