3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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