hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
there was a trapeze. enough said
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
