Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Randomize
