im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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