Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize