you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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