I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
