I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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