I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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