Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
