Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
