Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
