I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
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I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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