Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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