I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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