i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i will never coherently bang her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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