im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
