this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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