I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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